Choices vs. Circumstances: Learn How to Find Agency in the Middle of the Mess
Imagine standing in the middle of a storm where the wind seems to have a personal vendetta against your plans. For many, this isn't just a metaphor for a bad day; it describes a way of existing. You might feel as though you are a secondary character in a movie about someone else’s life, constantly reacting to the script rather than writing it. When life becomes a series of unfortunate events, a criticized project, a financial setback, or a broken relationship, the natural impulse is to retreat. We often allow these external pressures to define who we are and how we show up in the world, effectively letting our surroundings dictate our internal state.
This state of being is known as living by circumstance. It is a passive, reactive, and often fatalistic existence where life is something that happens to you rather than something you actively participate in. When you live this way, you might find yourself repeating the same cycles of frustration because you are working from within your current limitations rather than from a place of possibility. However, there is a profound shift that occurs when you realize that even in the most restricted situations, you possess the power of choice. At Rock Bottom Hope, we believe that no matter how deep the hole you find yourself in, there is always a way to look up and begin the climb toward a different life.
Understanding the Power of Agency
To move from being a victim of your surroundings to the architect of your future, you must cultivate what psychologists call agency. Agency is the fundamental belief that you have the capacity to exert a positive influence on yourself and the environment around you. It isn't a fixed personality trait you are born with; rather, it is a mindset that can be developed and strengthened over time.
People with high agency view themselves as the heroes of their own stories. They see life as something they do rather than something that is done to them. This doesn't mean they ignore reality or pretend that hardships don't exist. Instead, it means that when they are faced with a crowded restaurant, a difficult boss, or a long-term goal like writing a book, they look for the "move" they can make to improve the situation. They ask for a better table, they treat criticism as a growth opportunity, or they sacrifice an hour of television to work on their craft.
learn The Emotional Cost of Low Agency
When agency is low, our emotional health often suffers in specific, predictable ways. Many common struggles, such as chronic anxiety, depression, and burnout, can be traced back to a perceived lack of control over one's life.
Chronic anxiety, for example, is often fueled by the habit of worrying. We use worry as a shield against the feeling of helplessness; it gives us a temporary, false sense of productivity while actually increasing our stress in the long run. Those who believe they can influence their outcomes are less likely to fall into these spirals of worry because they don't feel entirely helpless.
Similarly, the cycle of depression is often maintained by a lack of motivation and energy. To break this cycle, one must often do things that provide energy even when they don't feel like it. A high-agency mindset provides a massive advantage here because it allows a person to act based on their beliefs and goals rather than being held hostage by their current mood.
Find Strategies for Cultivating Agency
Building this center mindset is a journey of small, consistent actions. It is about changing your defaults and learning to operate from a place of choice.
1. Prioritize Creation Over Consumption
We live in an age designed for consumption. It is far easier to scroll through someone else's highlight reel, read about politics, or buy something new than it is to create something yourself. However, agency is found in the act of building. Being a builder isn't limited to construction or art; it is a way of orienting your life toward adding value rather than just extracting it.
You can start small. Instead of just watching a news report, write a letter to your local representative. Instead of buying every loaf of bread, try baking one once a week. The more you engage in the act of making, the more you reinforce the truth that you are a person who can change the world around you.
2. Master Assertive Communication
How you speak to others is a direct reflection of your agency. Many people fall into passive communication, saying "yes" when they mean "no" to avoid conflict, or passive-aggressive behavior, which is a disguised attempt to control others without taking responsibility. Both of these styles erode agency because they are rooted in fear and avoidance.
Assertiveness, on the other hand, is the practice of being maximally honest about your needs while remaining respectful of others. When you choose to be assertive, you are moving toward what you want despite your fear. It is a skill that requires practice, starting with low-stakes situations like returning an incorrect order at a coffee shop before moving on to difficult conversations at work or home.
3. Evaluate Your Social Circle
Your psychological life is deeply impacted by the people you spend the most time with. If your inner circle consists of people who feel like victims of their circumstances, it will be incredibly difficult for you to maintain a high-agency mindset.
This doesn't mean you must cut off everyone in your life who is struggling. Rather, it means being intentional about spending more time around those who model agency. Look for people you admire, whether they are family members, colleagues, or even authors and podcasters, and study how they handle challenges. Agency is contagious, and surrounding yourself with "heroes" makes it easier to find the hero within yourself.
4. Define Your Personal Values
Agency is like an engine, but your values are the steering wheel. Without clear values, you might find yourself stuck in "analysis paralysis," unable to decide where to invest your energy. When you know what matters most to you, whether it is community, family, or creativity, it becomes much easier to make difficult choices and stay motivated when things get tough. Knowing your "why" provides the intrinsic drive needed to follow through on your decisions even when you are exhausted.
Finding Hope at the Bottom
The journey upward is rarely a straight line. There will be moments when the weight of your past choices or current circumstances feels insurmountable. You might feel broken or defined by your mistakes, but these moments of "rock bottom" are actually the most fertile ground for a new beginning.
Rock Bottom Hope exists for these exact moments. We provide a community of coaches and life-changers who understand that while the healing process isn't linear, it is always possible. By reframing the "storms" of life as opportunities for mental and spiritual growth, you can learn to climb out of your circumstances stronger than you were before. Hope isn't just a fleeting feeling; it is a practice that you can choose every single day.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between agency and simple self-confidence?
While they are related, they serve different functions. Confidence is specifically the belief in your ability to perform a task even when you feel afraid. Agency is a broader mindset that encompasses not just your ability to act, but your belief that those actions will have a meaningful, positive impact on yourself and the world.
Is agency something you are born with?
No, there is no "agency gene". While certain personality traits might make it easier for some to feel in control, agency is primarily a mindset developed through behavior. The only way to truly develop the belief that you can influence your life is to start acting as if you can, even before you are fully convinced.
How can I help my children develop a high-agency mindset?
Modeling is the most powerful tool; children learn more from watching how you handle your own choices than from what you tell them to do. You can also encourage independence by giving them space to make mistakes, involving them in creative projects that focus on production over consumption, and using questions rather than just providing answers to stimulate their curiosity.
Can a person have high agency and still feel discouraged?
Absolutely. Discouragement is a natural human emotion, especially when results don't come quickly. The difference is that a person with high agency acknowledges the discouragement but doesn't let it dictate their next move. They continue to act in alignment with their values even when the emotional "weather" is stormy.
Conclusion: The Choice is Yours
You are currently reinforcing something in your life. If you continue to work solely from your circumstances, you will likely continue to repeat those circumstances. But the moment you decide to live by choice, you step into your role as a deliberate creator of your own future.
It is never too late to begin again. Whether you need to reclaim your mental space from a culture of burnout, find authentic connection in a digital world, or reconnect with a faith that feels lost, the first step is always the same: looking up.
If you are ready to stop being a supporting character and start being the hero of your story, reach out. At Rock Bottom Hope, our hope line is always open to help you navigate the mess and find the agency you were born to exercise. Your circumstances may be the starting point, but your choices will determine the destination.