Toxic Positivity vs. Real Healing: How to Avoid Forcing a Fake Comeback of Feelings
In a culture that often prizes instantaneous recovery and perpetual optimism, the pressure to demonstrate a "comeback" can be intense. This societal demand for immediate resilience frequently morphs into a phenomenon known as toxic positivity, which is the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences. While showing positivity, optimism, and gratitude are healthy traits that help humans flourish, positivity becomes toxic and problematic when it functions to reject necessary negative emotions. The core challenge for those seeking genuine recovery is distinguishing between authentic optimism and the harmful practice of forcing a fake comeback. True healing requires confronting the darkness, accepting the non-linear journey of recovery, and embracing the entire spectrum of human emotion.
The Illusion of "Good Vibes Only"
Toxic positivity is characterized by an obsession with positive thinking. It operates on the belief that individuals should impose a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly difficult or tragic. This insistence on positive thinking can manifest as denying one's own difficult feelings or denying the negative emotions of others.
Toxic positivity is not an official psychological term or diagnosis, but rather describes a pattern of behavior. Its harm lies in the fact that denying negative feelings over the long term is detrimental because it prevents people from adequately processing their emotions and overcoming their distress.
Signs and Examples of Toxic Positivity
When positivity turns toxic, it hinges on the failure to acknowledge or accept negative emotions. This behavior can be self-imposed, wherein a person tries to appear happy all the time by presenting everything in a positive light, or it can be an external pressure from others who urge someone who is grieving to move on.
Examples of toxic responses often use positivity to deny the validity of negativity:
If someone discloses, “I don’t know if I can have a relationship with my sister. She doesn’t treat me with decency and respect,” a toxic response might be: “She’s family. You should love her no matter what”.
If someone states, “Work has been really stressful lately,” the toxic response is often dismissive: “You’re lucky to even have a job”.
If someone says, “I’m having a hard day,” a toxic response might pressure gratitude: “But you have so much to be grateful for”.
In the face of a catastrophe, toxic positivity asserts that “everything happens for a reason”.
It includes telling people to "get over their grief or suffering" or brushing off concerns by saying, "it could be worse".
It can also involve labeling those who appear constantly positive as stronger or more likable.
If someone consistently rejects another person's negative emotions, or if an individual consistently feels instructed to act or feel in a disingenuous way, toxic positivity is likely present.
The Contradictory Landscape of Positivity
The idea of toxic positivity is not without controversy; some believe the term can be overused to the point of undercutting resilience or encouraging pathology. Research suggests that proactively balancing the inherent human negativity bias (the tendency to be more attuned to threats) with positive thinking is part of healthy psychological functioning. For instance, positive reframing, the ability to turn a negative into a positive, is often effective at improving mood and reducing anxiety. People must therefore be cautious about tempering healthy optimism. Furthermore, confusing optimism with toxic positivity may deny support to individuals who utilize optimism as a valid coping skill.
However, the benefit of positive thinking does not mean it is a panacea for all life’s challenges, nor does it exist in a vacuum. Data supporting the value of positive thinking shows that it interacts with factors such as social support and self-efficacy (a person’s ability to cope) to improve well-being. Toxic positivity diverges from this healthy outlook because it demands positivity regardless of the challenges faced, potentially silencing emotions and deterring a person from seeking necessary social support.
The Catastrophic and harmful Consequences of Forced Optimism in life
When positivity turns into avoidance, it masks real issues and stifles growth. Emotional suppression, the central mechanism of toxic positivity, does not resolve the underlying problem. Instead, it can breed feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, and anxiety. Suppressing feelings can even backfire by magnifying those very emotions.
The path that leads over a difficult situation is through it, as negative emotions are a necessary part of navigating the world and being human. Negative emotions contain important information that can guide individuals toward changes leading to fulfillment, happiness, and meaning. Genuine emotional expression is an essential ingredient for well-being because it fosters authenticity.
Specific Risks and Dangers
The insistence on only positive emotions carries significant risks:
Ignoring Real Harm: A positive bias might cause people experiencing abuse to underestimate the severity of that abuse and remain in dangerous relationships. Research has found that optimism, hope, and forgiveness increased the risk of victims staying with abusers and being subject to escalating harm.
Demeaning Loss and Grief: Grief and sadness are normal responses to loss. If a grieving person is repeatedly told to move on or be happy, they may feel that others do not care about their loss, compounding their pain. For example, a parent who lost a child might feel their child was deemed unimportant by others.
Isolation and Stigma: People who feel pressure to "smile in the face of adversity" may be less likely to seek support. They can feel isolated or ashamed of their true feelings, which deters them from seeking help. Stigma can often deter a person from seeking mental health treatment.
Communication Breakdown: Toxic positivity encourages ignoring relationship challenges and only focusing on the positive, which can destroy communication and the ability to solve problems within the relationship.
Low Self-Esteem: Because everyone experiences negative emotions, toxic positivity causes a person who is unable to feel positive to feel as though they are failing.
When people exude positivity and ignore negativity, they often mean well, perhaps thinking they are offering support or simply not knowing what to say. However, even if toxic positivity is not ill-intentioned, it is often hurtful and unproductive, leading people to feel dismissed, misunderstood, or un-empathized with. This erosion of trust can prevent them from being vulnerable and sharing future struggles.
The Road to Real Healing: Embracing the genuine Process
The journey toward genuine recovery, unlike the immediate ‘fake comeback’ demanded by toxic positivity, is non-linear. It is a process that involves accepting the inherent ups and downs of mental recovery.
Finding Hope at the Bottom
For those who define themselves as hopeless, addicted, or broken due to circumstances or choices, genuine hope can still be found. Rock Bottom Hope (RBH) emphasizes that hope is available even at “Rock Bottom”. The spiritual journey is acknowledged, with topics like reconnecting with faith when it feels lost.
Recovery is about finding strength on the journey up and learning how to climb out of rock bottom stronger than ever. Hope, in this context, is not merely a fleeting feeling; it is defined as a practice, a way to create light in darkness. This genuine pursuit of well-being involves noticing and appreciating micro-moments of healthy joy to train the brain to notice hope again.
Reframing and Self-Compassion
Instead of denying distress, authentic healing encourages reframing challenges. Difficult experiences, referred to metaphorically as "the storm," can be reframed as opportunities for mental growth.
Central to avoiding forced positivity is embracing self-compassion. Healing begins with radical love for oneself, particularly when the world feels cold. Authentic recovery also involves moving "From Hustle to Healing" by learning how to reclaim mental space in a burnout culture. This inward focus helps people gain control when emotions overwhelm them, offering practical steps to manage intense feelings. Furthermore, finding an authentic connection with people is crucial to combating loneliness, particularly in the digital age.
Strategies for Authentic real Emotional Processing
Real healing hinges on the ability to process difficult emotions fully. Emotions, whether positive or negative, serve an important role. Anxiety, for example, may signal a dangerous situation, while anger is a normal response to injustice. Sadness often signals the intensity of a loss. Not acknowledging these feelings means ignoring the action and inspiration they provide.
Processing Difficult Emotions Personally
To process difficult emotions, a person should first acknowledge the feelings to themselves. This exploration should be conducted with curiosity and acceptance rather than judgment.
Strategies for processing include:
Identifying and naming emotions rather than attempting to avoid them.
Journaling or sharing the experience with a trusted friend or family member.
Probing the source and meaning of these feelings, as meaning-making can help people accept difficult emotions and build resilience.
Reflecting on how the situation might be changed.
Utilizing coping skills like deep breathing and mindfulness in the meantime.
Talking about negative emotions may help the brain process feelings better. Labeling and vocalizing emotions may make them feel less overwhelming, potentially reducing the strength of certain brain pathways associated with those emotions. Seeking support from nonjudgmental people, such as a mental health professional, can be highly beneficial.
Providing Authentic Support to Others
Relationships are built on vulnerability, trust, and authenticity. Acknowledging and validating the emotional experiences of loved ones is one of the most helpful forms of support.
To avoid expressing toxic positivity, individuals should acknowledge, accept, and then reframe negative emotions. Instead of saying, “Think positive,” a validating response should be, “The way you’re feeling is valid. How can I help you?”
Examples of validating and supportive responses include:
“I’m sorry that you have to go through this.”
“Describe what you’re feeling, I’m listening.”
“I can see that you’re stressed.”
“Is there anything I can do to be helpful?”
“I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“Be kind to yourself.”
It is essential to get comfortable with negative emotions and encourage open communication. Recognizing that intense negative emotions, such as profound grief, often coincide with powerful positive emotions, like intense love, can help guide supportive responses.
If someone is denying important information, such as mistreatment in a relationship, due to toxic positivity, loved ones may need to gently share their concerns. This conversation should emphasize care, use concrete examples to demonstrate the behavioral pattern, and be executed calmly.
Conclusion
Toxic positivity demands an immediate, fake comeback; authentic healing embraces the reality that both gratitude and difficulty are required for emotional well-being. It pushes people to ignore difficult emotions, which ultimately intensifies the power of those feelings. While positive thinking offers benefits, no one can maintain positivity all the time, and forced expression of only positive emotions can stifle communication and lead to feelings of failure.
Genuine recovery is not about being cured of negativity; it is about fully processing it. As the famous saying goes, “The best way over is through”. True healing is the process of navigating difficult feelings in full, a practice that builds resilience, authenticity, and enduring hope.